tainted.

time after time after time, i've failed over n over.
as flashbacks swarm me, so does my thoughts n regrets and guilt.
if only i could undo those wrongs i've committed.
life for me would b lighter den air.

as i write this out with a heavy heart, i trudge along forward with a suitcase full of bad times.
it is my extra baggage. my sins. my fears.
i cant look backwards.
it pains, it saddens me much that i wished sometimes i could lock them away somewhere.
or better yet, may God grant me amnesia.
but i know that i can never be the same person i knew a yr ago.

life rushes on.
we encounter new experiences that make us and shape us; Our future.
the old is replaced with each new commodity that breaks into our environment.
it permeates our protective membrane and forces those miniscule changes in us.
many a times i've tried to fight them away but i've failed.
it's like a wave that rushes all over me, sweeping me along in its current,
changing our intended course of direction.
life is just that random and cruel.
and life never stops for you to catch a breather.
it bombards you with everything that it has.
trying to wear you down.

ok, fine. that's just the negative side.
to be fair,
life does give a fair bit of thrills and spills of pure bliss
although the frequency stays low.
but such things have been looking less and less colourful as days pass.
soon i fear, i'll turn blind to colour.
in fact im already steadily and surely attaining it.
this, is what i analyse.
this, is what i foresee.
and this, is what i don't want it to be.
but it is...