hmm its been bout 2 weeks since i last blogged...
wat happened?
well, jus tat ive been super busy these days...
hav many units scheduled for lessons these few weeks.
in fact it nvr got finished somehow
when 1 was over, another 1 popped up.
yeah
no time to rest.
last fri evening i had to do my second guard duty.
all i did was stand at some spot for 2 hours 3 times
slept for like only 4 plus hours
den finished at 9am,
rushed to bbdc to get my provisional driving license,
den rushed back home to sleep
den woke up at 12 for a lesson at 130 at clementi camp on e same day.
yup super duper tiring...
n now i've got my hands busy again this week trying to teach lessons.
today my senior had a quarrel with some company today.
it was his 1st time teaching there n problems arose asap.
haha
well, mayb becoz he wasnt tat familiar with e scenarios ard here coz he came frm e offshore island pulau tekong.
yeah, e style of teachin is diff.
over there, u r king, wateva u ask them to do, they hav to follow.
over here at this forsaken camp of lim chu kang,
where e mono intakes of sch dropouts/bengs/ite bla bla blas all converge to form a unit.
well, he tried to discipline them by, well, e usual physical punishments.
n since they were already well-versed in all these exercises,
i roughly think they were havin fun being punished instead!
since my senior couldnt really control e class, he started hurling abuses here n there, trying to instill fear into them, but...
well it turned out otherwise.
tats where ME came into e picture...
well,
my senior n some soldier were already at loggerheads, with e aura of i-really-wanna-whack-u-into-bits surrounding them both...
yeah,
me n another officer literally tried to pull them apart but my senior jus shrugged me off...
somehow i sensed tat he knew wat he was doin n so i trusted him.
til finally i got a chance to say my piece.
PHEW!
yeah...
here comes e backgrd story:
i have been teaching them for e past 3 lessons,
n all this while i did not punish them even when they made much noise n i couldnt control them.

yeah
but coz of tat im happy tat at least i noe i had a connection with them.
aft i asked my senior to relax,
i began to talk to e men, my trainees.
guess wat they said,
"instructor, we see face one."
n
"we prefer you to teach us, instructor."

wah, i tell u,
e feeling is THERE man!
i was quite overwhelmed by wat they said...

haha
truthfully, i did...

so yeah, i came up with a cock n bull story to appease them of their sufferings and yeah, i hope they accepted it.
e best part comes here:
when i addresed them,
they replied with a super loudest ever "YES INSTRUCTOR!!!"
i den boosted their morale abit more before i handed e class back to my senior.
n,
when he addressed them, they replied with a much much softer shout!
woah,
den i tested them again,
n they shouted super loud again!
wah,
super biased man, i tell u.
but i really pity my senior.

guess i hav to teach them again tml ya?
even though i hav another lesson going on concurrently...
oh well, wat can i do,
they REALLY DO like me!
=]


oh yeah,
i jus got my PDL on sat,
so by tml onwards,
my riding lessons will b taken out to e public roads.
previously could only ride in e school premises...
oh well, i hope God will help me again!
very scared tat i'll screw up n spend lotsa time n money again!
haha
may e LORD help me!

currently listening to_: The Veronicas - When It All Falls Apart

i not sure y im really feelin this way...
but i just feel

disposable.

feels like my presence is not needed
feels like im being taken for granted
feels like IM not really needed at all...

n even on e contrary,
im only needed
when ppl really need help when they hav no one else to turn to.
when they need someone to help them do their chores
when they want someone to do it so tat they can slack off
when they need ppl to fill e gaps


i guess...
i dun hav e heart anymore...
e heart to go out of my way for others.
to help n support others frm behind e scenes
to really give all tat i hav for them.

i cant continue any longer...
yeah
im too tired already.
i dun hav e strength to carry on.
i dun hav e strength to continue believing.
to continue believing in relationships
no strength to believe in my friends
no strength to believe in my family
no strength to believe in my colleagues
i feel weak.



e only thing sustaining me rite now is God.
n i dunno wat else to do.




wanna scream but my mouth is shut